


Say It With A Song

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-07-26
Updated: 2004-09-11
Packaged: 2018-12-27 10:19:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12079095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: A set of song fics, added to whenever I get the urge. Mostly just sappy, fluffy shorts. They can be read in order, or one at a one time.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

_Sew this up with threads of reason and regret_  
So I will not forget  
I will not forget  
How this felt one year six months ago  
I know I cannot forget  
I cannot forget 

****

Justin leaned back in his chair, pushing away the storyboards that were piled on his desk. Most of them had angry red x’s in the corners because everything about them was wrong. Everything about this place was wrong. Justin pinched the bridge of nose, trying to fight off the headache that was threatening to attack any moment. 

It had been a year and a half since he’d moved to LA to work on Rage the movie, and so far barely anything had been done on the film. The studio heads had rejected the script at least ten times; the budget had been revised twice as many times. Brett had taken to drinking himself around the bend every other weekend and Connor James had declined to portray Rage, so they’d had to settle for some B-list no name actor that no one had ever heard of. As it stood at the moment, they’d barely started shooting and half the sets weren’t even finished. Justin had started calling Brett on a daily basis threatening to quit, but the director always managed to convince him that the big action was about to start any day now. 

Meanwhile, Justin was stuck in a strange city where he didn’t know anyone and could barely breath because the smog affected his allergies so badly. He had been back to Pittsburgh only a handful of times since he left, and it seemed like every time he was there some emergency cropped up with the movie and he had to return to LA sooner then he’d planned. The last time he’d been home had been three months ago and he’d only been there a week when Brett called and insisted that he come back right away, but when Justin got there the next day whatever was so important the night before had suddenly disappeared. 

He missed everyone in the Pitts so much it ached. During the day he could ignore it and the ache became a dull throb, but at night when he was alone in that stink hole he called an apartment, it intensified so much he could hardly stand it. He missed Debbie’s remarks at the diner and hearing her call him Sunshine. He missed working on Rage the comic book with Michael, which he had discovered was ten times more satisfying then working on the movie. He missed going to Babylon with Emmett and Ted, dancing under the lights with glitter falling on him. He missed babysitting Gus for Melanie and Lindsay and he was miserable that he was missing Jenny’s growing up.

Most of all … He missed Brian. He missed his lover’s touch and the sound of his voice waking him up in the morning. He missed making love to him long into the night, only to wake up a few hours later to do it again. He missed dancing with him while all the other guys looked on with jealously because the great Brian Kinney had finally fallen in love. 

Justin sighed and reached for the phone, he suddenly longed to hear Brian’s voice … his laugh … his sarcastic humor. But then he looked at the clock and realized that although it was only midnight in LA it was three am in Pittsburgh and Brian would probably rip Justin a new asshole if he woke him up now.

Instead he made himself content with closing his eyes and recalling the last time they were together … 

 

****

_I'm falling into memories of you_  
And things we used to do  
Follow me there  
A beautiful somewhere  
A place that I can share with you 

****

Justin opened his eyes; the loft was still dark, only the shadows had changed slightly. He wondered when he’d fallen asleep and how long he’d been that way for. The last thing he remembered was laying in Brian’s arms after they’d made love, Brian’s lips on his shoulders, murmuring words Justin couldn’t hear into his skin … he must have just passed out then. 

It was then that Justin became aware of the warmth behind him, Brian was spooning Justin, his breath warm against Justin’s neck. Justin snuggled deeper into his lover’s arms, wishing he could put into words how safe and at ease he felt when Brian’s arms were around him. All the stress and bullshit of the movie and everyone in LA just faded away when he was here in these arms. Justin closed his eyes and tried to sleep again, but he just couldn’t. He couldn’t sleep when in a few hours he had to get on plane that would take him three thousand miles from these arms and this man. He didn’t want to waste this time when he didn’t know when he’d be back again.

Justin rolled over carefully; he didn’t want Brian to wake up yet. He wanted some time to take in the older mans features while he slept, because there was a big difference between the Brian the world saw when he was awake and the Brian Justin saw when he was asleep. In sleep, his features relaxed in a way that Justin rarely saw when his eyes were open. The lines of constant worry over his company and his health disappeared, his mouth wasn’t set into that thin hard line that only Justin’s kisses seemed to cure. Justin ran his hand through Brian’s soft hair, trying to memorize everything about this moment because he wasn’t sure when he’d have another one.

It was in these moments that Justin wished he could love Brian the way he dreamed of loving him. Without fear or reservation, without worrying about making Brian angry or uncomfortable. There were times, when they made love, or when they were curled together watching a movie that Justin came within seconds of telling Brian how he really felt; how deeply and passionately that he loved him. He longed to let Brian know that no matter how long they were together, or how many times Brian tried to push him away that he wasn’t going anywhere, he wanted forever with this man. His love, his lover, the only man he wanted to kiss for the rest of his life. 

He couldn’t love Brian like that, not out loud anyway. So he loved him quietly and gently, in the way Brian reacted best to being loved. Brian didn’t take well to people being in his face about things that he wasn’t ready for, so Justin kept quiet about it, instead he did things that showed Brian how he felt. With his actions he made sure that Brian knew how much he loved him. And Justin knew in his heart that even if Brian never said it, he loved Justin the same way. 

Brian stirred under Justin’s touch and pulled him tighter against his body. Justin knew Brian would never believe him if he told him that he reached for Justin in his sleep, pulled him tight against him when he wasn’t even aware he was doing it. He did it often enough though that Justin knew it wasn’t an accident, he’d woken up many times just as Brian threw his arm across him and pulled him towards his chest in his sleep. 

“Brian,” Justin whispered, “wake up Brian.” Justin placed soft kisses across Brian’s forehead and down his nose. “Come on Brian, open your eyes,” Justin prompted. He rubbed his thumbs along Brian’s cheeks.

Brian’s eyes opened slowly, but when he saw that it was still dark they closed again, “sleep now, we’ll fuck later.” He murmured and gathered the blond man into his arms and started drifting off again.

But Justin wasn’t deterred from his quest. He pushed away from Brian’s chest and traced circles onto his shoulder.

He leaned down to Brian’s ear, “but I want you now.” He said in a breathy voice that he knew drove Brian crazy. He got a deep groan in response. “Wake up and fuck me, Brian.” Justin demanded, his hand making it’s way down Brian’s stomach.

Brian’s eyes opened again, quicker this time. He pressed his mouth to Justin’s, opening the younger mans lips with his tongue, and searching for the warmth he missed so much when Justin was in LA. He pulled Justin on top of him, running his hands through the blond locks he adored and over Justin’s smooth back.

“You sure are romantic tonight, Sunshine. ‘Wake up and fuck me?’ Where did that come from?”

Justin growled against Brian’s mouth and ground his crotch against his lover, knowing that Brian wasn’t really expecting an answer to that question.

****

_I can tell that you don't know me anymore_  
It's easy to forget  
Sometimes we just forget  
And being on this road is anything but sure  
Maybe we'll forget  
I hope we don't forget 

****

Brian shut the door of the loft and flipped on the lights. Even though Justin had been gone a year and half, he still wasn’t used to coming home to the dark and quiet of the empty loft. He missed the clutter and the noise that came from having Justin living with him; the constant music, the whir of Justin’s computer, the sounds and smells of Justin cooking.

Brian dropped his jacket and briefcase on the chair by his desk and pushed the play button on his answering machine. He made his way to the bedroom and started undressing as he let the messages play through. Two from Mikey, one from Ted and then—

“Hey Brian … it’s me. I know you’re at work, but I just wanted to call and say hi … I’m gonna try to come home for a visit soon, so don’t forget about me just yet, okay?” There was a pause, then a sigh and Justin continued, “I miss you and I love you, okay? I just wanted you to know that … that I love you.” There was a click, a beep and the machine shut off.

“Me too, Sunshine.” Brian said out loud to the empty loft. 

He sighed and looked around the loft without any real aim. He had planned on going out to Babylon tonight, but now he wasn’t so sure he felt up to it. The dancing and the guys had become old over the last year. Without Justin there, it just wasn’t the same and it didn’t feel right. Not that Brian would ever admit that to anyone, he blamed his not going out on work or his feeling tired, which no one would fight with. Even with as sneaky as he thought he was being, everyone knew, they could see it in his eyes that he missed Justin painfully, probably as much as Justin missed him.

And they were right; Brian did miss Justin just as much as he was missed. He missed the way Justin knew just the right things to say or do when Brian was pissed off. He missed the way Justin would touch him softly to wake him up. He missed the way Justin responded to his touch, making love to Justin thrilled him in a way no other person ever had, even after all this time. More then anything, he missed the way Justin didn’t take shit from him. No one else challenged him the way Justin did or called him on his bullshit.

Brian stared at the space over the bed where the blue, then orange lights, used to hang, now there were two paintings that Justin had done not long ago. The two paintings where a set that hung beside each other making up a whole painting; in the first, Justin had painted himself, in his tux from the prom, a smile on his face and a white silk scarf around his neck. You could see a hand holding the scarf, but the arm that belonged to that hand was continued in the next canvas, which showed Brian, also smiling, holding the scarf, his eyes locked on Justin. Brian had been amazed when he’d seen the painting because Justin still couldn’t remember anything from the dance at the prom. When Brian questioned him, Justin told him that he’d dreamed about them dancing and Daphne had filled in the details for him. Brian remembered though, he remembered how it felt to dance around that floor with the beautiful blond in his arms, how his chest had swelled with all the feeling he held inside him for Justin. He had decided during that dance that he had to have this boy for the rest of his life.

He remembered the day they had hung the paintings, Justin hadn’t wanted to at first, but Brian had insisted it was the only thing he wanted hanging in that space and Justin had given in. Afterwards, they’d made love slowly on the bed and Brian promised himself that soon he’d tell Justin how felt, really tell him, not make cast off remarks, like how he’d asked him to move back in. But then Justin had run off to LA to make Rage, and the time just never seemed right after that. Justin was always so rushed when he was home, trying to see everyone and do everything he could in the time he had that the only time Brian had alone with him was at night when they were in bed. He’d almost told him the last time he’d been home … he surprised himself with how close he’d come to saying the words … 

****

_I'm falling into memories of you_  
And things we used to do  
Follow me there  
A beautiful somewhere  
A place that I can share with you 

****

He pulled Justin on top of him, running his hands through the blond locks he adored and over Justin’s smooth back.

“You sure are romantic, Sunshine. ‘Wake up and fuck me?’ Where did that come from?”

So many feelings shot through Brian when Justin ground himself against his body; he wasn’t sure where to start or what to do next. So he pulled Justin close and kissed him until the boy begged Brian to fuck him, but Brian didn’t want to fuck Justin this time, he wanted to make love to him, to feel him from the inside and tell him with his kisses and touches everything he was afraid to say out loud. 

While they were making love Brian looked down at Justin’s face, his eyes closed, mouth open in a small ‘O’ shape, sweat dripping down his face. He wondered again how he got so lucky, marveled that this boy had picked him of all people.

“Justin, open your eyes,” Brian said, still pushing into his lover slowly, taking his time.

Justin’s eyes opened and Brian almost wished he hadn’t asked, because everything he saw there was almost more then he could handle and he feared Justin was seeing the same things in his eyes. So he buried his head in Justin’s neck, licking and biting all the spots he knew drove Justin crazy and just held on until they both finished.

Afterwards, when Justin was laying in his arms and the sun was starting to peek through the curtains Brian again considered telling Justin all he wanted to say so badly.

“Justin, I … “ He stopped, not sure what words to use, or if there were words that could even cover it.

Justin looked up, “Brian?”

Brian smiled at the man in his arms and kissed his lips softly, he suddenly realized that he didn’t need to say it at all.

 

“You … you know, right? I mean, you know, don’t you?”

Justin smiled and kissed Brian’s ear, “yes, Brian, I know.” He looked into Brian’s eyes, his hand touching Brian’s face softly, “I love you too, always.”

****

_So many nights_  
Legs tangled tight  
Wrap me up in a dream with you  
Close up these eyes  
Try not to cry  
All that I've got to pull me through   
Is memories of you  
Memories of you  
Memories of you  
Memories of you 

****

At about the same time Brian was gazing at the paintings over the bed in the loft, Justin was listening to Brett try to string six words together to get across his feelings about how the movie was coming.

“It’s like … I mean … the idea is so good in theory … but in reality …”

“Brett, what are you saying?” Justin asked, he was sick of listening to the man’s slur and feeling his spit on his face.

“They trashed it. Those fuckers, the higher ups, they decided that it’s become to big a risk and too expensive. Rage the movie is no more.” Brett shrugged when he finished the sentence and took another drink from his bottle of whiskey.

Although Justin was upset to hear the news, the fore-most thought in his mind was that he was going home! He was going home to Brian and the loft and everything that meant anything to him.

As soon as he had Brett in a cab and on his way home he called the airline to book a flight to Pittsburgh, the next one was in the morning and even that seemed to far away. The next thing he did was dial the number of the loft.

“This is Brian, leave me a message.”

Justin waited for the beep, bouncing on his heels, “Brian, wherever you are right now … I’m coming home! For good! The deal fell through, no movie, but I don’t even care. God I miss you! I’m coming home Brian, to stay.”

Brian smiled to himself, still looking at the paintings hanging over the bed. Home … to stay. Brian had never heard anything more wonderful in his entire life.

****

_I'm falling into memories of you_  
And things we used to do  
Follow me there  
A beautiful somewhere  
A place that we can share  
Falling into memories of you   
And things we used to do 


	2. Say It With A Song

I was making my list  
I was checking it twice  
In the middle of this  
I got tears in my eyes  
For in my foolish heart  
There was one simple truth  
The only gift I wanted was you

* * * *

Justin sighed loudly as he looked at the stack of presents surrounding him, most of them in some stage of being wrapped or addressed. He ran a hand through his hair and looked down at the list in his hand.

“Mom, check … Deb, check … Emmett … Emmett … where’s Emmett’s gift?” Justin reached around behind him and lifted a few boxes until he found the one labeled with Emmett’s name and address. “Okay … Michael and Ben, there … Daph right there.” Justin stopped when his eyes scanned the next name on the list, the only person he hadn’t shopped for yet, “Brian.” He said out loud and immediately his eyes were filled with tears. 

Justin stared out the bay window in his apartment and let the tears fall, he was alone, who cared if he cried a little for his boy? It was Christmas and he was stuck in some god-forsaken apartment in LA instead of in the Pitts where he belonged. Although he had planned to be home for Christmas, once again Rage The Movie had gotten out of control and Brett insisted that Justin needed to be there to go over the set and costume changes. Sometimes Justin wondered how much Brett really wanted his input, or if the director just wanted to stick Justin with work that should be his own. 

It was going on nine months that Justin had been stuck in LA and he couldn’t wait to get out. The only thing on his mind lately had been going back to PA, moving in Brian, and starting their life together, finally. When Brian had asked him to move back into the loft Justin had seen the change in his lover, had seen beyond his comments on socks and wasted time. He had read the Kinney Operating Manuel and could decipher those words and the looks, he had become very good at reading between the lines with Brian. Now, stuck in this city he hated, he wished more then anything he hadn’t let Brian talk him into coming to LA. Brian had insisted he go, had promised the offer to live to together would still be there when he got back, so why stay? Neither of them had realized that six months would turn into nine and that nine would turn into who knows how many … 

Justin looked around his apartment and the stacks of gifts and decided he’d better get to work if he wanted these to reach the Pitts in time for Christmas. He couldn’t help wondering, as he thought about what to buy Brian for a gift, what his lover was doing at that moment … 

* * * *

I was trimming the tree  
I was stringing the lights  
While the radio played silent night  
There were presents to send  
Though there were quite a few  
The only gift I wanted was you

* * * *

Brian sat hunched over at his desk trying to avoid the decoration that was going on around him.

“Do you have to do that right now?” Brian asked, spinning around in his chair to face Cynthia who was behind him hanging strings of lights.

“Unless you want a party with no decorations, yes I have to do it right now. Cheer up, boss, it’s Christmas and this party was your idea.”

Brian glared at her quickly before going back to the accounts on his desk. So the party had been his idea, but the cheesy decorations and thousands of strings of lights hadn’t been in his plans. He’d wanted a simple holiday party for his clients, he did not want to turn his office into the North fucking Pole thank you very much. 

“Cynthia, did you remember to mail those packages to LA?” 

“Did it this morning. I thought Justin was coming home for the holidays?”

Brian rubbed at his temples, “He was supposed to, but Brett-the-wonderful decided he couldn’t cope without him.” 

The look that flashed across Brian’s face wasn’t lost on Cynthia, she knew him almost as well as anybody else after having worked with him for so long. She knew that his mood would be greatly improved if Justin were within touching distance.

“Why didn’t you just go there?” She asked.

“Because I planned this fucking party months ago, I couldn’t just uninvite Kinnetic’s most important clients. Besides, it’s only Christmas, it’s not the last one we’ll ever have to celebrate, it happens every year, if you hadn’t noticed.”

“Well yeah, but you’re supposed to be with the people you love on Christmas.”

Brian didn’t answer, which was all the signal she needed to know that the conversation was over. Brian didn’t answer because as much as he didn’t want to admit it, he was more then a little upset that Justin wouldn’t be with him on Christmas. He had been looking forward to having someone to spend Christmas Eve with and being able to show Justin off at the party. Now he figured he’d suffer through the party as well as he could and then go home to the empty loft and a bottle of Jim Beam to put him to sleep. That seemed to be the routine of his days now that Justin was across the country. Work, sleep, and repeat. Brian sighed and wondered when he’d become half of happily married couple.

 

* * * *

You need to be home with me  
Alone with me  
Holding me next to the Christmas tree  
Kissing under the mistletoe  
As candles glow  
Please come home soon  
It’s not the same without you

* * * *

Justin opened his eyes slowly, blinking a few times. He could hear a muffled ringing, but wasn’t sure where it was coming from. As he became more awake he realized it was the phone, stuck underneath his pillow where he’d left it last night after a goodnight phone call to Brain.

“Hello?” He spoke into the phone, his voice sounded half asleep and sluggish.

“Hey Sunshine, bad timing?”

Justin smiled at the sound of his lover’s voice, “no such thing when it’s you. What’s going on? How are the plans for the party?”

Brian sighed, “exhausting. I’m glad it’s tonight so I can hurry up and get it over with.” Brian sucked in a breath, “shit, it’s like 6 in the morning there, isn’t it? I’m sorry … I forgot all about the time difference.”

“No problem, I don’t mind. What are you doing tomorrow?”

“Spending the day at the Muncher’s with Gus, I have to be there bright and early for present opening and Christmas brunch.”

Justin smiled sadly, “I wish I could be there.”

Brian was silent before saying, “me too Justin … you should be at home, where you belong with me.” Brian paused and Justin could almost hear his lover thinking about what to say next, “it’s not the same without you.”

Justin smiled, his heart melting at Brian’s words. He thinks that most people wouldn’t be over-the-moon happy about hearing that statement, but Brian’s verbal delectations of his feelings were so few and far between that Justin cherished the few words he gets.

Before Justin could answer, Brian spoke again, “I’m not the same without you. I think Cynthia is ready to quit and Theodore has been hiding in his office for weeks. No one likes me very much without you around.”

Justin’s eyes filled with tears against his will, “I’m not the same without you either.” He whispered, trying to hide the emotion in his voice. “God, I hate it here Brian … I’m so lost, what the hell am I doing? Its fucking Christmas and I’m stuck in LA without snow, or real Christmas trees … or you. We should be together damn it.”

Brian smiled, “maybe I can come visit for New Year’s Eve.” He suggested.

“Yeah … that’d be nice. I think I can survive until then,” Justin laughed.

“Try you’re hardest. I gotta go, Sunshine, I have a meeting in a few minutes.”

“Okay, well call me after the party to tell me how it went!”

“Will do. Later.”

“Later.” Justin whispered and waited until he heard Brian hang up before hanging up his own phone. 

It was all that was contained in the word ‘later’ that made him decide to do what he did next. Justin knew that when Brian said ‘later’ when they parted or got off the phone it was his own way of saying all the things most people said when parting. It was I love you, I miss you and I can’t wait to be with you again all rolled into one word.

It was that one word that convinced Justin he should be in Pittsburgh for this night. It was that one word that made him get out of bed, throw on some clothes, pack a small bag, grab his cell phone and leave his apartment. He hailed a cab quickly and leaned forward to speak to the driver:

“LAX please.” 

* * * *

As a bittersweet night had come to end  
I was saying goodbye to our family and friends  
And they all wished me well  
And I knew that they knew  
The only gift I wanted was you

* * * *

Brian stood by the open front door of Kinnetic and shook hands with all the guests as they were leaving. He thanked them for coming, the smile on his face hiding the tiredness and need to be done with this. At last when only Mickey and Ben, the Muncher’s, Debbie and Emmett were left inside he let himself collapse onto the sofa in his office.

“I am so glad that is over with. Remind me never to throw a Christmas party again.”

“You need any help cleaning this up?” Debbie asked, gesturing to the half empty cups and plates scattered around the room.

Brian waved her off, “no, just leave it, I hired a cleaning crew to come in the day after tomorrow and deal with it.”

Michael reached for his jacket, “we have to get going, Hunter is waiting up for us to do the Christmas Eve present opening.”

Brian stood up to hug his friend, “happy holidays, Mikey.” He said softly into his ear.

Michael pulled back to look at Brian, “you too, Brian.” He could see the weariness in his friend’s eyes and knew that most of it had to do with missing Justin.

“We have to pick up Gus and Jenny from the sitters,” Lindsey said, coming up to hug Brian. “Well see you tomorrow, around 9?” She asked.

“I’ll be there,” He answered. She too took careful note of the look on his face and how quite he had been during the party. It broke her heart to see him going through this, not that he’d ever say it to anyone, but he missed Justin painfully and it was obvious to anyone who knew him.

Debbie went over to Brian and took his hands in hers, “you know he would have been here if he could have. He misses you too,” She leaned up to kiss him on the cheek.

Brian just nodded and looked away. He knew it was written across his face how much he missed his boy, but if he looked at anyone else right now he knew he’d cry.

Brian waited until everyone had left before turning off the lights, locking the doors and going home.

* * * *

You need to be home with me  
Alone with me  
Holding me next to the Christmas tree  
Kissing under the mistletoe  
As candles glow  
Please come home soon  
It’s not the same without you

* * * *

Brian had just stepped out of the shower when he heard the knocking at the front door. He looked at the clock, saw that it was almost midnight and wondered who the fuck it would be at this hour. He wrapped a towel around his waist and padded softly through the loft, his bare feet making no noise on the floor.

When he slid the door open he almost pinched himself, “what the fuck are you doing here?”

“Hello and Merry Christmas to you too!” Justin said, pushing past him into the loft.

Brian took a second to collect himself before he turned around, “what the fuck are you doing here?” he asked again, reaching out to touch Justin, to make sure he was real.

Justin smiled and shrugged, “I couldn’t not be here for Christmas Eve … I’m sorry I missed the party, but I had to wait forever to get on a flight.”

“Fuck the party,” Brian said as he pulled Justin close to him, pushing his heavy jacket out of the way. He ran his hands across Justin’s back, he had forgotten how good it felt to hold him.

Justin looked up at Brian, “I missed you,” He said, before pressing his lips to Brian, he hoped he could convey all he felt in that kiss, “Merry Christmas.”

“This is the best fucking Christmas ever,” Brian murmured against Justin’s lips.

Justin smiled, “I don’t have any presents for you … I didn’t know what to buy for you that you don’t already have.”

Brian looked at Justin and buried his hands in his soft blond locks, “the only gift I wanted was you.”

 

* * * *

You need to be home with me  
Alone with me  
Holding me next to the Christmas tree  
Kissing under the mistletoe  
As candles glow  
Please come home soon  
It’s not the same without you


	3. Say It With A Song

_When you have to look away_  
When you don’t have much to say  
That’s when I love you  
I love you  
Just that way  
To hear you stumble when you speak  
Or see you walk with two left feet  
That’s when I love you  
I love you endlessly  
And when you’re mad   
Cause you lost a game  
Forget I’m waiting in the rain  
Baby I love you  
I love you anyway 

****

Justin loved Brian. There was never any question of that from day one, from the first time Justin saw Brian standing by his jeep, he knew that was the man he’d love for the rest of his life. It didn’t matter that he’d never been with another guy or that he was only seventeen, there was magic in Brian’s gaze and Justin fell under his spell with one look. When everyone in his life, including Brian, was giving him a million valid reasons why Brian was no good for him Justin was only falling deeper in love with him. Justin found reasons to love Brian in places no one would have expected, especially Brian. 

There had been moments during the first time Justin was living with Brian, before he forgot to set the alarm and all hell broke lose, that he’d seen Brian watching him and he knew that as much as Brian denied it, he felt something too. Like the time when Brian had been shaving at the sink and Justin had stepped out of the shower, naked and dripping, and Brian looked up and saw him reflected in the mirror and cut himself, Justin knew he had more effect on the older man then he’d ever admit. And of course there was The Look, which had started appearing sometime after Brian had made the very Brian like gesture and told Justin ‘when I’m come home, I’ll also be doing exactly what I want to do … coming home to you.’ The Look was simple and at first no one except Justin noticed it when it graced the dark haired mans features. The Look was how Justin had gotten himself through the nights when Brian came home smelling like cheap booze and sex. It was how he’d known that Brian would take him back after the Ian debacle. He would picture Brian’s face in his mind, looking at him in that way of his that said I love you a million times better then the words could ever sound. No one had believed Debbie when she’d first described The Look to them, but after a while when they’d all seen it for themselves they admitted she was right: Brian Kinney was in love. The Look also had side effects to go with it. The Look came across as Brian being a little spaced out, so when someone interrupted his Look he’d stumble on his words when he spoke again, especially if Justin was in the room. This reaction was Justin’s favorite, to hear Brian Kinney trip over a sentence was a rare and beautiful thing. Brian built his image on being cool and collected, Justin loved that he was the mans undoing. It was only far, since on several occasions Brian had rendered Justin speechless.

Mostly, Justin loved Brian because he was sweet and caring in a way that no one else understood. Sure, he made grand gestures for Liberty Avenue and he’d give Lindsay his last cent if she needed it for Gus, but it was the way he took care of Justin that made his heart fill with love for him. Justin often recalled the time Brian had said he’d pick him up, then forgot, and Justin ended up waiting outside in the rain for a half hour. When Justin finally got a hold of Brian and they got back to the loft, Brian didn’t say a word as Justin walked dripping through the entire loft, leaving puddles in his wake. Later that night, when Justin woke up shivering and burning up, fever making his cheeks pink and his eyes glaze over; Brian sat with him all night. He made sure Justin had cold water to drink and was always there with a cool washcloth to put on his forehead. Later, when Justin was feeling good enough to sit up, they sat together on the couch and watched old James Dean movies. Justin leaned against Brian’s chest, feeling the older mans arms wrapped around him and decided that watching movies with Brian was one of his favorite things to do. 

It was the little things that made Justin love Brian. The way Brian acted when he lost a game of pool, like it was no big deal, but Justin could tell Brian was angry at being beaten. The way Brian would act tough in front of everyone else, but let his guard down with Justin. When he’d been sick from the cancer he hadn’t let anyone else in the loft for almost two months, but Justin had seen him throwing up, seen his pale face and watched him twist in pain in his sleep. Justin had shared in one of the most life changing experiences Brian had ever gone through and it only served to bring them closer together. 

 

****

_Cause here’s my promise made tonight_  
You can count on me for life  
That’s when I love you  
When nothing you do can change my mind  
The more I learn   
The more I love  
The more my heart can’t get enough  
That’s when I love you  
When I love you   
No matter what 

****

Justin took a quick look around the loft; he’d just heard Brian’s car pull up outside and he wanted to make sure everything was perfect. Today marked two years of remission for Brian and Justin had put together a simple dinner for them to celebrate the occasion. 

Justin was standing by the couch when Brian slid the door open and looked around the loft, his eyes bored.

“What’s all this?” He asked, heading for the bedroom while taking off his tie.

“It’s dinner, you know, food that you eat during the early evening hours? Typically when you get home from a long, hard day at the office.”

“I see that, but what’s with the candles and the music? And … why are there flowers in our loft?”

Justin smiled when Brian said ‘our loft.’ His ‘my’ had slowly turned to ‘ours’ and Justin beamed every time he said it.

“Because we’re celebrating, have you forgotten what today is?”

“Your birthday? Valentines Day? St. Patrick’s Day?” 

“Two years Brian, you’ve been in remission for two years today.”

Brian frowned, “why would I want to celebrate that? Good job sport, you didn’t die! I’m going out,” Brian went into the bathroom and closed the door.

Justin sighed and pushed a hand through his hair, he should have known Brian would react like this.

“Brian, can we at least have dinner first?” Justin called through the bathroom door. 

“Not hungry,” was Brian’s reply over the sink turning on.

Justin opened the door, “listen asshole, I went through the trouble of making you a nice dinner and your gonna damn well eat it. And then you’re gonna spend a nice, quiet evening at home. With me, you’re devoted partner and loving boyfriend who treats you way better then you deserve most of the time.”

Brian stood in front of Justin and kissed his nose, “you’re too young to settle down,” he said, moving past Justin to his closet.

Justin knew the lines, “and you’re too old to fuck around, so go eat.”

Brian shook his head, “I gained four ounces last week,” he said as he pulled a black tank top over his head. 

“Fine then, you go out, go to Babylon or wherever and fuck hot guys, have a great time Brian, really.” Justin stalked into the kitchen and started cleaning up the dinner he’d planned. 

Brian looked towards the kitchen for a second before he finished getting dressed and then left without another word to Justin. 

****

_So when you turn to hide your eyes_  
Cause the movie   
It made you cry  
That’s when I love you  
I love you a little more each time  
And when you can’t quite match your clothes  
Or when you laugh at your own jokes  
That’s when I love you  
I love you  
More than you’ll know  
And when you forget that we had a date  
Or that look that you get when you show up late  
Baby I love you  
I love you anyway 

****

Brian was sitting at the bar alone, three empty shot glasses and two full ones sitting in front of him. He’d called Mikey to come out with him, but he’d been doing dinner and a movie with the husband and offspring. He’d glanced around for anyone who looked worth going after, but the problem was that he’d had everyone in here tonight. He argued with himself that Justin would never know if he broke that rule, but then he realized that he didn’t want too. He didn’t want to break the rule, but more then that he didn’t want anyone else. Brian was quite sure when it had happened, but at some point the tricking had gotten boring and lost it’s appeal. Though he’d only admit it in his head, these days Brian preferred going home to Justin to going out to the bars. 

But as Justin had, Brian had also remembered what today marked, and he wanted to go out, to prove that he still had what it takes. Sitting here alone at the bar throwing back shots he decided even if he still had what it took, he was through using it. Brian knew he loved Justin, had fallen harder for that kid then he ever imagined he could have. And even if he never said it, he knew that Justin knew it and probably everyone else did too. They were partners, lovers, boyfriends in a long-term relationship. Brian shook his head, watching himself in the mirror behind the bar; he couldn’t believe he was using those words. Long-term relationship used to mean the same thing as death sentence to Brian.

Brian pulled out his wallet to pay his tab, but his eyes landed on the picture of Justin and Gus that he’d stuck in front of his license. Justin was smiling his trademark sunshine grin and Gus was pointing at Brian, who was behind the camera. Brian remembered the day that picture had been taken, they’d arranged to meet at The Muncher’s and take Gus to the park and then have lunch together. When Brian arrived at the house fifteen minutes late because his meeting had run over, he expected Justin to already be there waiting, but he wasn’t. Three hours later Justin finally came rushing through the front door, breathless and explaining that he’d been working in his studio and lost track of time and he was so so so sorry. Lindsey, Melanie and Brian all sat on the couch, smiling at him while he apologized over and over for being late. Brian had been fuming for the past two hours because where the fuck was the little twat that he couldn’t call to say he’d be late? But as soon as Justin had rushed through the door, with that painfully sorry look on his face and his eyes searching Brian’s for some sign that it was okay, Brian fell in love with the kid all over again and couldn’t stay angry at him.

When they were walking through the park holding hands, Gus walking in front of them, content to look around on his own, Justin looked up at Brian and said:

“I’m sorry I was late for our date.”

Brian laughed, “this isn’t a date, I don’t do dates.”

Justin smiled, “I know, I know … but can’t you at least let me pretend that you do?” 

Brian looked over at the blond, “pretend all you want, Sunshine.”

What Justin knew, and Brian would never say, was that this was as much a date to Brian as it was to Justin.

It was then that Brian realized something strange, “what are you wearing, Justin?”

Justin looked down and laughed, “it is so laundry time in the Taylor-Kinney household.” Justin was wearing orange corduroys that hugged every curve of his body and a red, faded t-shirt, both of them splattered with paint.

Brian threw his arm around Justin’s shoulders, “I can’t believe I’m being seen with you in public wearing that outfit.”

“You love my fashion sense,” Justin said, squeezing Brian around the waist.

Brian didn’t say anything, but in his head he agreed. There was something about seeing Justin wear his too small, paint covered clothes that didn’t match that was so damn endearing Brian wanted to smother the boy in kisses.

After letting Gus play in the sandbox to his hearts content they’d taken him home, intent on dropping him off and then stopping at the diner for some take out before heading home, but Gus had other plans. He cried and begged for his Da-da and his Jus to stay and watch Finding Nemo with him, which Lindsey informed them, was the only movie he’d watch lately. So they put the movie in, hoping that Gus would fall asleep and they could make a quick exit, but he stayed away through the entire movie. 

During the last few minutes of the film Brian thought he heard a sniffling and looked towards Gus to see if it was him crying, but it wasn’t. Then he noticed that Justin had his face turned away from the screen and was gazing towards the window, and the sniffling was coming from the blond. Brian placed his fingers under Justin’s chin and turned his face towards him.

Justin’s eyes were red and he smiled, “I can’t help it, Disney movies get me every time.”

Brian smiled and leaned forward to kiss his lover, “you’re adorable.” Were the only words he said, but his eyes said everything Justin wanted to hear.

When the memory of the day faded Brian realized what a shit he’d been for leaving the loft the way he did. He threw some money down on the bar, picked up his jacket and left to go home to his boy.

****

_Cause here’s my promise made tonight_  
You can count on me for life  
That’s when I love you  
When nothing you do can change my mind  
The more I learn  
The more I love  
The more my heart can’t get enough  
That’s when I love you  
When I love you   
No matter what 

****

The loft was dark and silent when Brian stepped inside; he didn’t see Justin anywhere, but the lamp beside the bed was turned on. When he climbed up the steps to the bedroom he saw Justin lying on the bed, staring up at the ceiling.

“I’m sorry Brian, okay? I should have known you wouldn’t want to celebrate today.” Justin just wanted to get the fight over with so they could go to sleep.

Brian kicked off his shoes and laid down next to Justin, “don’t you dare apologize for this—“

“I know, ‘sorrys bullshit’, I get it Brian.”

Brian turned Justin’s face toward him, “no you don’t. You shouldn’t be apologizing because I should be saying it to you. I’m sorry Justin, you tried to do something wonderful for me and I threw it back in your face, that was wrong.” Justin stared at Brian, waiting for him to continue, “I should have stayed here with you, where I belong.”

Justin dragged his fingers over the scruff on Brian’s chin, “It’s okay … don’t worry about it.”

Brian captured Justin’s fingers in his and kissed them softly, “I’m sorry Justin, I really am.”

Justin nodded and kissed Brian, “I know Brian, it’s okay.”

“I did some thinking while I was out—“

“Thinking while you were out? That’s scary, what did you come up with while you were thinking?”

Brian looked at Justin, watching the younger mans face, “I was thinking that you and I should … go get tested together.”

Justin was confused by this statement, “Tested? Do you mean for HIV? Brian, we both get tested every six months, why the sudden urge to make it a bonding experience?”

“Because … it’s become pretty clear that I’m never going to get rid of you … so I was wondering how you’d feel about us getting tested … together.” Brian put plenty of emphasis on the last word, hoping Justin would get the point without his having to spell it out for him.

Brian watched Justin’s face and for about thirty seconds confusion covered the boy’s features, but then Brian saw the meaning of his words sink in and Justin’s eyes filled with tears.

“Brian are you saying…”

Brian pressed his lips to Justin’s, “yes, I’m saying. Do you accept?”

Justin was stunned to say the least, he was glad he hadn’t been standing up when Brian made his suggestion or he would have landed on his ass pretty quick. Brian Kinney, the man who laughed at people who got married, was suggesting that they be a boring monogamous couple.

“Justin? Are you going to answer me?”

Justin smiled and knew the words that were about to leave his mouth could incur Brian’s wrath in way he never had before, but he didn’t care:

“I do.”

****

 

_That’s when I love you_  
When nothing baby  
Nothing you do could change my mind  
The more I learn  
The more I love  
The more my heart can’t get enough  
That’s when I love you  
When I love you   
No matter what  
No matter what 


End file.
